#totally correct kirby facts

[thewertsearch]

Ask Comp 17/7

@shelbybunny asked: a note most people havent noticed from my observations: kanaya tied eridans cape around her stomach wound

Kanaya absorbs the fashion sense of anyone she slays. She's basically a goth Kirby.

@deshah asked: I have caught up on reading your live blog just as you reach one of my favorite action sequences! Kanaya is brilliant and I am so excited that you are reaching this point in her story. On an Aradia note: I think that you should listen to '(kind of) still alive' and 'Almost There' Aradia version (in that order) because feels. You have motivated me to listen to homestuck parodies again. Not to mention revisit my (many, many) homestuck crossovers… Thanks for the liveblog, it is so much fun! Also i saw your recommendation list was missing hemostuck which is just such a shame. I think it constitutes spoilers? Although it is very AU. That one is by roachpatrol and urbanAnchorite on ao3. Also! Space Bro by JumpingJackFlash, also on ao3 (definitely spoilers) there's even a song about that one! I hope these are okay to send? I'm not 100% on the etiquette. Anonymous asked: howdy wert! dunno if you answer stuff on this blog still but I figured it wasn't fit for the main one -- in your long break, did you check out any of the various media recommended to you? :0 (<- totally didn't recommend something and definitely isn't now wondering if you read/liked it, unlikely as it may be with the long list of recs)

I've added them all to the list! Feel free to recommend anything else, too - but I probably won't get to any Homestuck fics for a long time, since they're a bit of a spoiler minefield.

So far, the only recommendation I've followed up on was Hollow Knight - and I'm glad I did. I've played it, like, three times now. If your own recommendation isn't a Homestuck fic, let me know!

@segfaultvicta asked: i just found your liveblog and I've been doing nothing but reading it since. i have no idea if it's complete, if it's stalled out somewhere, or if it's ongoing, or when it started; i have deliberately kept all of this information from myself, i just hope that regardless of anything else your asks are still on so i can tell you how absolutely fucking MAGNIFICENT your analysis is and how much of a joy it's been to read. bravo. <3 @segfaultvicta asked: there are so many things that you're correctly understanding, or at least digging into at the right level and with the correct approach vector, that it took me MONTHS of puzzling out and later information to grok, and i'm good at this kind of nonsense. it's WILDLY impressive even if/when you are barking up the wrong cosmic apple tree. this liveblog continues to be an utter delight.

Hell yeah. Welcome to the show!

It's a great motivator, knowing that there are people having this much fun with the blog. Sometimes, on quiet days, I'll notice my notification counter is ticking up by a couple of notes a minute or so - and 90% of the time, that means someone's just discovered the blog, and they're binging the whole thing.

That's so cool, I don't even have the words! I look up to binge-worthy livebloggers!

Anonymous asked: Vriska really do be the kinda person who's like "I love a woman who can kick my ass." She probably only saw Kanaya as a potential matesprit after she proved herself powerful. Before that, she likely didn't view her as one because she saw her more like a harmless 'mcfussy fangs'.

You could have had it all, Vriska - if you'd only turned to look at her.

Truly, you are your own worst enemy.

Anonymous asked: I'd like to just adress the fact that Eridan, the troll who had 'aspirations' of killing every troll below him on the hemospectrum, only permanently killed the SINGLE troll that was above him on the hemospectrum. Good job, Ampora! ~DJ @manorinthewoods asked: It's comical how pathetic Eridan was. He seems to have power but it's always immensely fragile. Pathetic in life, pathetic in death, pathetic in ancestry. It's no surprise that his final step in the dance is to be sawed in two to prove Kanaya means business. ~LOSS (20/6/24)

Dude took more Ls than a Countdown contestant. Seeing Feferi confront him in the Bubbles is sure to be cathartic, and I, for one, cannot wait.

@manorinthewoods asked: Who the hek coded Trollian. ~LOSS (2/7/24)

That's Sahlee's endgame, naturally. My fic will be as self-fulfilling as Homestuck proper.

@bladekindeyewear asked: Quote you: "You Want An Auspistice? Then I’ll Give Your Legs Some Space From Your FUCKING TORSO" Funnily enough, on Andrew Hussie's ask blog back then, he ALSO jokingly described this well-justified murder as Kanaya auspisticizing between Eridan's upper and lower torso, after forcibly auspisticizing her way through the rest of the showdown members. "Putting Space between them" is a nice added pun of you though!

Hehe. I didn't originally intend to make an Aspect pun, but I noticed after I'd written it, and decided to leave it in.

Anonymous asked: "If the Bubbles do preserve doomed souls, then we might also run into […] the Jade he couldn’t save. That’s a pair of ghosts I’d be very interested to meet." Are we sure a doomed Incipisphere would have resulted in a doomed timeline on Earth for Jade to die in? Dave and Rose said as soon as John went off to die, they never heard from Jade OR THE TROLLS again. Karkat told John during ectobiology that Earth was a divorced temporal context from the kids' game outside of chat/timing convenience.

Yeah, I think there's a decent chance of that. It was weird that the stranded Future Jade never tried to contact her co-players, and one of the simplest answers was that she'd simply stopped existing. I live in hope, though!

@elkian asked: A really interesting thing I've noticed about Homestuck (lampshaded by Hussie's commentary) is how often the perspective switches away from fights, usually so smoothly or jokingly it's not obvious. I've heard the Hobbit/LotR books do something similar. We don't see Bro die, his opponent becomes unkillable by him and he's dead a few pages later. The Trolls' Black King, the Guardians' deaths, etc. It's a very interesting narrative choice. @elkian asked: belated followup to last ask ig - not sure what the given reason was but I think Hussie avoids showing us fights with foregone conclusions unless there's a good story reason. We know the trolls beat their BK before we even met all the trolls (and obscuring that fight lets Hussie pull fun things like the Bard of Rage reveal). Vriska vs Tavros was never in his favor, but it meant something for their character development so we saw it, etc.

Yeah, I really liked how this was done with Bro, specifically.

Cutting away from this confrontation highlighted how completely pointless it would be to depict it. We all know what happened here, and seeing it happen would give us no new information. Bro, like any mortal, was instantly one-tapped.

Besides - we saw the end of that fight.

It ended right here.

Anonymous asked: its funny how dd, the character associated with diamonds, is textually implied to be jack’s moirail ‘lousy dignitary, keeping your murderous tendencies in check’ Anonymous asked: I feel like you probably noticed this and just didn't say anything, but it's still so hilarious to me how clear it is that Andrew Hussie knew exactly what he was doing showing us the walkie-talkie scene just now with DD and his diamond card suit symbol "keeping [Jack's] murderous impulses in check"!

Damn, I actually didn't pick up on that. It's consistent with the rest of the Crew, though - Hearts is a romantic shipper, and Slick is all about hate. It seems CD is destined to become a mediator.

@mhafanlol2000 asked: What do you think LE looks like?

Occam's Razor would suggest he's a Felt creature - but since Jade would be 'terrified' by his true name, I suspect he's actually someone we've already heard of. After all, Jade would have no reason to be terrified of a name she doesn't recognize.

Anonymous asked: what if sburb is modded minecraft

tired: joining the wertsearch gigasession wired: joining the wertsearch minecraft server

Anonymous asked: Oh yeah we've all be there, I remember one time I got really obsessed with tinkercraft, not cause of the actual crafting system, but because of the furnace, and decided I Must build a furnace from bedroom to build height and fill it up

Update: I've built two nuclear reactors so far, for fusion and fission respectively. Between them, they produce a gargantuan amount of power, but that's only secondary to their main function - namely, antimatter production. Once I get that sorted out, we'll be, like, 5% of the way to the AllTheMods Star, which will finally allow me to make Creative Mode items.

Then we're starting on the Gregstar. If you don't know about the Gregstar, you don't want to know about the Gregstar.

[urapunk]

RONNIE REESE WEST CHARACTER TRAITS.... SOMEONE KILL ME

SO I GUESS THESE ARENT LIKE SET IN STONE BUT SOME OF THEM ARE

Has the biggest 'clean it up' attitude. If you're acting a fool and disrupting a class from doing work and getting a good grade then he WILL throw a desk, or at the very least a chair at you.

He/They, is what they prefer. My only oc with diff pronouns!! Doesnt mind being considered a girl but doesnt like when you point out his feminine features, like their lips, neck, or lashes. It gives them an odd sense of gender dysphoria and confuses them on whether they wish they were a girl or boy... Thinks he was cursed by having a stronger jawline, thick brows, and greek nose.

MF Doom listener. Practices so many instruments just so they can show off the fact they can play some of the samples. Loves to try and replicate potholderz on guitar. Also plays trumpet, his favorite.

Wants to muder mr burton. (Thank you to @/muppetears-stuff for that one) and considers ground alamming him when he corrects their stance before a wrestling match. Has left a visible red hand mark on his bald spot (thank you to @/floort for that one too 😭😭)

Ethan and Ronnie are twins, with damon being their older step sibling. Damon was 4 when they were 2 and introduced to his 2 person family, which was just he and his mom. (Mommas boy.🫶)

Likes to steal jackets. The jocks treat them like a moody younger sibling, and he has atleast 4 different lettermans. One from ted, damon, kirby, and a previous student at bullworth who they miss. (Probably bob idfk)

Theres one spot in ms. Philips room where the sun shines through the window just perfect, and ronnie asks to sit there everyday. Fell asleep in that spot and ms. Philips decided to draw it since it was the middle of november and the sun set faster, leaving thwm in a silvery glow. Ronnie thinks gold is his color but ms. Philips says its definitely silver.

Loves mr galloway. Besties. Bestiest of besties.

Guzzles down pipeline punch monster like its the last theyll ever have. The love that shit so much, and pretty much any sweet, punchy flavored thing.

Helps Damon do his homework so he doesnt pick on anyone to do it for him. Sure, they're a bully after all but they have a jimmy complex. They want order to the school, they dont want to rule it though. Having a dumb bum brother is embarrassing too. Had to teach him how to turn decimals into fractions.

Does that thing where you put some glue on your hand and wait for it to dry so you can peel it. Thinks its rather satisfying.

They're not a great person. Totally a bully, but only to perverts like earnest and people who piss themself at their grown age.(algie.)

All 3 of the siblings are opposites. Ronnie and Damon bicker over everyrhing while ethan uses/eats whatever theyre bickering about. He takes his chances even if it means getting his ass beat.

Got a family trip canceled because the fought over where thwy wanna go. Ethan chose japan, ronnie chose brazil, and damon didnt wanna go anywhere.

<3

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

franflam (they are not sisters)

ahahahahaHAHA this is exactly what i was expecting people to send in when i said "controversial ships". no one is ready for one of my signature franflam tangents

under the cut:

you know the last time i did this ship bingo thing someone asked me about franflam too and i just flat out refused to respond because i didnt want to touch the discourse with a ten foot pole. either me putting my opinions here will get me cancelled or it will summon some people hopefully sane about this discourse. i love gambling

to preface, my honest opinions on the matter are that whatever the hell those two got going on in canon is queerbaiting. i say this as someone who bought star allies on a whim at gamestop as their very first kirb game like two years after it released, not even knowing kirby still made games at that time, and thus played the game with zero biases towards anything but yeah those two were written with a weird attachment to each other and it would be stupid to outright deny that. do i think franflam is canon though?: absolutely not and also i hate everyone who claims that with a passion. you could make a claim with a reasonable amount of evidence for either side of the argument and the fact that its even remotely possible both could be true at once, along with kumazaki himself either refusing to elaborate or confirm, or giving even More support to Either side is absolute bullshit and any sort of grey area here is totally his and the writers faults so hey can we all stop arguing about what the "correct" answer is when there literally isnt really one

anyways with that out of the way, heres all of the reasons i hate franflam without mentioning "potential incest" as a concern even once

their dynamic in canon is stereotypical angry black woman is overprotective of stereotypical dainty elegant white woman. hate that. gives me bad vibes. the whole "to show one character is in love with the other, they talk about their love interest nonstop every half second" trope is absolutely HANDS DOWN my absolute least favorite romance trope EVER. it drives me absolutely insane. thats the #1 way to get me to hate both of the characters and their relationship the fastest. holy shit shut up and focus on the story and whats happening around you instead of shoehorning mention of the other person into your words nonstop. hate that. i also hate the "person a is overprotective of their love interest" trope too, esp when it extends into jealously of the other person hanging out with others (sparkling pupupu world does this, for example). feels gross. can feel infantizing. if people see that as romantic good for you but i can not see it ever. its overly possessive. i think having a trio of mages and having two of them being separated and off fucking around on their own all the time as their "happy ending" is bad writing, especially when it comes to zans character being so heavily affected by her isolation from others and how hyness treated her AND YOU JUST GO AND SEPERATE THEM INTO FRAN+FLAM AND ZAN+HYNESS ALL THE TIME FOR SOME REASON HELLO. JUST MAKE ONE MAGE CHARACTER IN THAT CASE IF TWO OF THE TRIO HAVE NO DEVELOPMENT OR PURPOSE OTHER THAN TO FUCK OFF BY THEMSELVES. and then people who ship franflam also often end up shipping hynzan cause of that EWWWWWW GROSSSSSSS. also fran+flam being more close because the jambacult is a broken family that needs to heal Or them being more close because flam is an overprotective older sibling are INFINITELY more interesting to me as concepts than: "fran+flam are closer to each other and not zan because theyre dating and thus inherently dont care about zan as much because platonic relationships are always secondary to romantic". hate that. and the fandom. oh my God as people might be able to tell by all of the arrows on the bingo sheet i have fucking FEELINGS about this this needs a whole new paragraph

okay so. so 😍. i have this thing i call "red flag ships" where the ships are fine as a concept on paper but for some reason the shippers are just absolutely Rancid and that throws me off from liking the ship in its entirely and i get really sussed out by anyone who ships it. franflam is a red flag ship. i think the shippers have gotten so used to being yelled at by people who think theyre siblings that theyve pavlov'd themselves into being insanely hostile and aggressive to anyone who doesn't ship them. at least thats what i can tell from anyone whos Open and remotely loud about shipping them. istg i am not joking in the slightest when i say 95% of my interactions with people who Happen to be big or even decently into shipping franflam have been godawful. the convos dont even have to be around franflam i just think the ship inherently attracts awful people because its only aggressive toxic people who arent scared about shipping it openly. is that generalizing?: Yeah but thats just my personal experience. i have never met someone loud about liking franflam or who makes content for it that wasnt an awful asshole or yikes person in some way

that said, people who really like the ship but are quiet or lowkey about it usually end up being super chill and cool. its just the goddamn Fandom i have an issue with really. so anyone whos normal about it i am so sorry for you lmao

in a somewhat unrelated manner, i used to be somewhat close with someone who had franflam as their ultimate otp and God they fucking sucked. apart from redirecting every convo ever to be about franflam, they were also insanely nasty to anyone who even remotely saw them as siblings because they inherently saw it as an attack against franflam, so theyd always be making comments like "can you believe anyones stupid enough to see them as siblings" and "kinda misogynistic and lesbiophobic that metadede and marxolor are more popular than franflam when franflam is so blatantly canon" and yadayadayada they would say that shit completely unironically even right in front of me when they knew i hc'd them as siblings. i could complain up enough of a storm about that person and all of the insane things they said and did to fill up another 10 paragraphs but in general they were awful and really awful to me and multiple friends and you know what. i fucking hate the ship because of that too. sue me i cant stand seeing it around and i get grossed out by it.

on another note if i see anyone trying to push franflam as canon i will kick your ass. it might seem like im complaining about a problem that doesnt exist since tumblr is very anti-franflam, but on other sites its the opposite and if i had a nickel for every stupid "franflam is definitely canon and the only canon option and here's why" argument ive ever heard and could Easily debunk i could buy a fucking mansion. how to tell franflam shipppers its Okay if their ship isnt canon challenge: impossible (generalizing ofc, this whole rant is generalizing. take with a grain of salt. man i hate franflam)

[abyssembraced]

Headcanon Generator Meme

((Except that some are reacted to ooc and others are in character))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ghost:

"If Ghost likes someone, they will give them a pretty rock."

((Yeah, I could see that! Headcanon accepted. Their mindset is along the lines of: they know that Giving Gifts is a Good Thing that People Like. But they don't know what actually constitutes a good gift. They know that many people like receiving flowers and that Ze'mer's flowers are especially precious, but they don't know why that is. They also know that most bugs like Geo, which are basically shiny fossils and rocks. So maybe this other rock is also a Good Gift? Here you go, Friend!))

"If the source media was a musical, Ghost would be the one character that asks why everyone is singing."

((I think that'd fit them really well actually, yeah! Not a verbal question, of course, but just a silent wondering! It fits in with them slowly becoming more conscious and 'alive' throughout their journey in Hallownest. They're not familiar with their own genre, so they wonder why everyone's singing! But over time they eventually come to understand or at least accept that That's How Things Work.))

"Ghost does not know what sleep is."

((Mmm. While it's true that they wouldn't really Need sleep after obtaining Void Heart, on account of becoming fully Void, they are familiar with what sleep is! And they're also sort of capable of it in at least some capacity.))

"Ghost will go feral. Watch out."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meta Knight:

"Meta Knight speaks only in meme references."

((I mean Honestly if we're talking about Kirby Right Back At Ya's Meta Knight, I could absolutely see a YTP featuring that. But! My Meta Knight is Not That, save for a couple details I took from it, so Nope asgshfhf. I could see Magolor doing that for like a day or something though just to annoy the others.))

"Meta Knight can hug you, but won't."

"Correct." Save for a select few people who might be able to force one out of him, anyway.

"Meta Knight is awful with kids."

"I am inclined to say so, yes, but... Kirby seems to insist otherwise." Surely he was just an outlier, however. A unique exception, solely due to the fact that they were each the only other member of their species that either of them had ever met. ...Why are you pointing at Sailor Waddle Dee. Stop That.

"It would not take much for Meta Knight to turn evil."

"I believe the strength of my will is powerful enough to resist such corruptive forces." Though as much as he might like to, he couldn't deny that the stray Dark Heart had gotten the better of him some time ago. Not to mention whatever it was that had happened to his mirror counterpart...

"Meta Knight likes to eat straight coffee beans."

"Though I do prefer my coffee black, I... Fear the raw beans may be too bitter, even for me."

...He was lying about even drinking his coffee black. He would always dump tons of sugar into his drinks. Straight coffee beans would be a definite 'no' for him.

"Meta Knight had an emo phase."

((Absolutely hilarious mental image that I will neither confirm nor deny, lmao))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GLaDOS:

"GLaDOS knows the lyrics to every Hatsune Miku song by heart."

((Technically correct, but only because she's a robot and can just search for all the lyrics and download them if she desired. But I don't think she'd even know who Miku is unless she was prompted to research her.))

"GLaDOS will remind others in the midst of chaos how good *she's* being."

((. Yeah I could totally see this ashsdgwgdvf. But it'd have to be something specifically said to Chell while other people are Causing Problems and not her ((for once)). I don't think I could see her saying it to anyone else.))

"GLaDOS is in your house."

((If you live in the Aperture building then she is your house lmao))

"GLaDOS is a very good singer."

((So Very True <3))

"GLaDOS is going to hell."

"We would once again like to remind you that here at the Aperture Enrichment Center, Android Hell is a real place where rogue androids will be sent at the slightest hint of dissent."

"Unless you can turn on the neurotoxin emitters quickly enough. Which you don't have."

"GLaDOS is awful with kids."

"I don't know, I would consider my performance at the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day to be a great success. Though I do work better with cats."

"GLaDOS is constantly singing for no reason."

"And you are constantly bumbling around like a useless idiot for no reason. What do you think of that?"

"GLaDOS can't make the voices go away."

"I did, actually. But it involved me being betrayed and murdered by a friend that I trusted, so I can't say I recommend my method."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tagged by: @bladesfromthedark (thank you!)

Tagging: @distrxst , @tazmilyxfamily , @musescfmusic , @quillheel , @hopeful-hugz , @pri-rp , @legalbrats , @galacticnova3 (I know you've already done it for your Lor blog, so. Maybe one of your other ones if you feel like it?). Just. Tags Everyone again so no one can feel left out dgsgsgf. And once again, feel free to do it for any blog(s) and muse(s), not necessarily the specific one I tagged!

[starsh0cked]

What made Galactia knight decide to live with Meinna? It's funny to think about how a powerful warrior lives with a historian who is just peacefully living her life...

it’s mostly because she’s the only remnant of the past that he has. she’s one of the few popstarites that deeply care for ancient history, and one of the few to have looked into him. while he’d probably be better off in dreamland, socialising with kirby and his friends, he’s intrigued by the marred peace of floralia and its own history. to him, floralia is a nice break from all the fighting, while mienna’s the closest person he has to home.

there’s that, and the fact that his reputation in the history books has either left people skeptical or afraid of him. while they’re totally correct to be scared of him - he’s recalled to have split planets in two in planet robobot, after all - it also means that the only person even slightly interested in housing him is a god-child who doesn’t have enough space to do so.

[totally-correct-kirby-facts]

[desultory-novice]

"Does Magolor need a haircut?"

When I finally snagged a copy of it, I ran through “Return to Dream Land” so fast that I totally missed seeing the famous "...I really need haircut” line. 

I feel so guilty about that...

(Pictured: me, going back to correct my mistake)

But I was so amused by it, I had to check and see if it was in the Japanese script too. (This comparison's -probably- been done already, but eh...!)

Here's the original dialogue, courtesy of the Japanese wiki:

カービィ、こうミエテも ボク、けっこういそがしいんダヨォ。

イロンナ星にいって、ヤラなきゃ いけないコトがタクサンあるンダ。

だからキミも、ボヤボヤしてないで サッサとボウケンに いってよネ！

My (purposefully super literal) translation:

“Kirby, despite what it may look like, I'm actually quite busy.

I have a lot of things that I simply have to do on a variety of planets.

That's why you should stop lollygagging, hurry up, and go on your adventure!"

.

Edit: didn’t realize how long this is! My explanations on the “Why” of the EN translation, plus more Magolor fun facts, behind the cut...!!

Pretty clearly, the haircut line was added as a light-hearted and comical way to expand upon what Magolor’s “things” he has to do includes. Sure, he doesn’t list any chores in the Japanese version, but that itself makes him suspect, as if he’s just bringing up stuff so you’ll feel bad. 

A creature without visible hair claiming to need a haircut is obviously a joke, and it works well with the implication that Magolor will say anything and everything to shoo you off. It’s the old, "Got to go! I have a cake in the oven!" (...And the tendency to replace "cake" with other funny and nonsensical items.)

It's been mentioned before in a lot of places by a lot of fans that Magolor in Japanese talks with a strong "foreign" accent (not of a particular country, though he uses a lot of English words - it is simply "accented" sounding) and it gives him a very distinct voice in the Kirby series. A voice that would be hard to replicate in English. 

I feel like the English script, while losing the alien-ness of Magolor's speech, gives him another characteristic speaking style instead...

...While his "hip" enthusiasm is 100% cheesy for sure, to me, it really shows that the plotting, ambitious, and wrathful (1) Magolor is trying his best to appear good and friendly and harmless for as long as his patience holds out.

.

(1) There is an extra bit of text in Magolor Soul's boss fight description that is lost in the English translation. (Spacing issues, at a guess...?)

It says that Magolor's soul is "...trapped by hatred and obsession." As the inclusion of “obsession” indicate these traits belong to him and not the crown, it’s safe to say he's got or had some unresolved issues. (Outside of a post-RotD world, that is?) And if you talk to him long enough to get the haircut line, you’ll also see him loose his temper enough to -shout- at you in all caps. Which is pretty shocking to see in a Kirby game, I have to admit. 

[stingyslegslookweird]

Curvier - a short essay-type thing

Okay, it's been 11 years, I have to share a theory. I'm fully aware that basically no one who currently follows me and/or pays attention to the things I post about will understand anything I'm about to say, but tbh I've put way too much into this to really care.

Anyway, you guys ever heard of TOME? :D

If not, it's this neat little 15-episode (technically 16 if you count /FILE:ZERO, 25 if you also count the Season 1 shorts, and 26 if you count all of those plus AvZ, the 5-year anniversary short) animated web series about two teenagers, an imp, a dragon-man, and a [REDACTED] who get together and fight criminals in VRchat.

Jokes aside, it's really good and you can watch it here. Seriously, go do that. It's so damn good. Today's the 11th anniversary, you literally have no excuse. At least watch episode one, otherwise the rest of this post will make absolutely no sense beyond the most surface-level of details.

Okay, done? You've watched Episode 1? Good, good. So...

In the first episode, specifically around 3:06, Nylocke pronounces Kirb's username wrong, to which he replies "It's Kirbopher. It's like Christopher except curvier." But... it isn't, though, is it? Merriam-Webster Dictionary (the most official dictionary, as we all know) defines a curve as "to have or take a turn, change, or deviation from a straight line or plane surface without sharp breaks or angularity", its synonyms including bend, curvature, arc, bow, and crook. Basically, any circle, half-circle, quarter-circle, oval, etc.

To be fair, assuming the onscreen textboxes are actually a "thing" in TOME itself, as opposed to a visual effect only used to tell the story, one could claim that the font Kirb's player uses is rather curvy itself (and they'd be right), but is it curvier?

After checking Google, I quickly found a list of every font used in the show, gathered in this here Google Doc by one unicornfoal (their username didn't pop up in the menu thing when I tried to @ them so idk if they still go by that), which tells us that the font Kirb uses is "Spicy Sushi Roll".

With the font determined, we can compare the curviness of the names. To do this, I typed each of them out in a word document, took a screenshot, and pasted it into my photo-editing software of choice. There, I created this handy diagram detailing every curve in the letters, in addition to offering brief definitions of my terminology and method for determining what counts as a curve.

Also, as an aside, I'm really proud of how this turned out, especially with the lines and colors and the grid in the background. Like... man. Not to suck myself off or anything, but holy hell am I good at this.

Anyway, as you can see, the name "Kirbopher" has 7 inner (convex) curves and 8 outer (concave) curves, adding up to a total of 15 curves, which, assuming I'm correct about all this, had to be intentional. "Christopher", on the other hand, has 10 inner curves and 11 outer curves, which adds up to 21 total curves. Therefore, "Kirbopher" is not only not "like Christopher except curvier", but is in fact less curvy. This revelation, while shocking, isn't my final point. No, no. Because this rabbit hole goes deeper, dear reader. First, though, we must talk about parallel universes a long-defunct 2000s internet forum.

Long before TOME was a 15-episode web series, its world and characters were conceptualized in a 70-something long series of sprite animations on Newgrounds, known as TvTome Adventures, or TTA for short. Based on the forums of the TvTome website, which now redirects to tv.com, the series featured characters based largely on the forum's users, including one white sword-wielding marshmallow-thing by the name of Kirbopher15, pictured below.

Yeah. That's... more or less Kirby in a hat. Somewhat Kirby-like. Kirbyish? Though, to be fair, it could probably be... kirbyer?

And that's where my theory kicks in. Buckle your fuckle because this is gonna blow your damn mind.

What if, and hear me out here, the original line wasn't "curvier", but instead "kirbyer", as in "more Kirby"? It'd certainly make more sense, seeing as, one, the character was originally just a Kirby recolor in a hat, and two, the name Kirbopher is literally just "Christopher" but with "Chris" replaced with "Kirby", minus the y.

Why was it changed, then? Seeing as it's so early on in the show, which has been stated to have had somewhat of a rough production, almost not making it past four episodes, it could be out of concern over copyrights, trademarks, or other legal issues possibly arising, were the show to be, say, picked up by a TV network or something. Even though Kirby is an actual name that real people have, when you factor in the character's previous incarnation, it could definitely be taken to mean the Nintendo character, instead of a regular person's name.

Oh, and one more thing. Tumblr, being very art-driven by design, is home to tons and tons of artists, writers, voice actors, etc., both amateur and professional. Plus, because Tumblr lets you @ blogs you know the names of, someone with an insane theory about a single throwaway line of dialogue in an episode of a somewhat niche web animation could, say... @ the creator of said animation, assuming they're on tumblr in the first place, and ask if they're correct in their long-winded assertions, or are simply talking out of their ass. So, with that in mind...

@kirbopher How'd I do?

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #248: “To Save the ETERNALS!”

October, 1984

Scarlet Witch: “It’s raining ETERNALS!”

Hallelujah?

This is a pretty striking cover. The white background is what sells it. Having an actual background would busify the cover too much.

So last times on Avengers: Bored after giving the chairman role to Vision, Wasp takes Starfox’s invitation to crash a party hosted by Sersi, a truant Eternal. Some other Eternals come to fetch Sersi for a Big, Important Eternal Thing and Wasp and Starfox end up getting dragged along when they try to stop the kidnapping.

After Sersi and Ikaris recap the Eternals’ ENTIRE HISTORY, Starfox realizes hey he’s an Eternal too! So he gets invited to the big, important Eternal Thing. Which is turning into a giant flying brain. As ya do.

But jerk fiend and eventual Great Lakes Avengers punchline Maelstrom takes advantage of all the Eternals being a giant brain and attacks, knocking out spectating Avengers Wasp and Captain Monica Marvel.

So thats a lot.

Vision and Scarlet Witch arrive in Greece after seeing Maelstrom on the video phone.

While Vision flies off in a big hurry, Scarlet Witch goes back into the Quinjet for some good exposition.

She continues to be worried about how Vision has been acting lately. Because after seeing Maelstrom, Vision barely said a word during the flight to Greece and kept pushing the engines until Wanda was afraid they’d blow up. But since he just took off and she can’t fly, she calls up what files the Avengers have on Maelstrom.

Which is Benn Grimm, the Thing, reporting on Marvel Two-in-One #72, where he teamed up with Black Bolt to fight Maelstrom who claimed to be the son of a renegade Inhuman. In the end, the Thing tossed a tube of anti-terrigen gas in his face and then Maelstrom appeared to die in an underwater cave-in.

Vision returns from his reconnaissance and does Wanda a startle so she finally unloads on him for how he’s been acting.

Scarlet Witch: “You don’t seem to be thinking at all these days! We haven’t had a real conversation since you became Avengers chairman! Half of our trip to Washington was taken up by a private meeting you had with the president! Afterwards, you didn’t even have the decency to tell me what you talked about! I had to hear from a reported that you’d discussed making the Avengers chairmanship a cabinet level post! We used to be so open with one another! What is happening to us? What is the matter? Is it me?”

Vision says ‘its not you, its me’ although in the context of him being at fault and not breaking up with her.

But he promises to do better and that she’s important to him.

Which would be heart-warming and romantic if he wasn’t making this face over her shoulder.

Why.

Anyway, with uh whatever that is handled, Vision reports what he found on his scouting nyoom.

He found the Eternal city on the side of Mount Olympus because of course its there.

Although. Wait. Where do the Olympians live? Are they neighbors? Do the Olympians live in another dimension or something? I vaguely remember something like that.

And Vision found Maelstrom who’s wearing a silly techno-harness connected to a big machine and has Captain Marvel and Wasp chained up at his feet.

You have problems, Maelstrom.

Not least of which is that his big scheme is to absorb the giant brain to make himself more powerful.

He blabs his plan to the Wasp who woke up when she sensed the opportunity to sass.

Wasp: “You seem awfully sure of yourself, Maelstrom.”

Maelstrom: “Ah, the Wasp! Back among the conscious, I see! Yes, I am quite confident... Supremely confident, you might say.”

Wasp: “But not so confident that you felt you could keep us here untied!”

Maelstrom: “If you are trying to shame me, it will not work. I am quite without shame!”

Curses, he’s immune to petty ego games.

Wasp also assumes he’s an Eternal which he’s quick to correct. No, see, his mom was a Deviant. And I guess his dad was an Inhuman, based on the Thing’s report on him. But its not like he wants revenge for all the Deviants being compressed into a giant cube.

After all, the Deviants killed his mom and raised Maelstrom in their slave pits.

In fact, after Maelstrom absorbs the giant brain, his next plan is to release the Deviants from the giant Deviant cube one by one and then do harm to them.

But, yeah, no. He does look like an Eternal. Easy mistake to make. The Eternals have been making that mistake as Maelstrom has just been hanging around for days with all the Eternals assuming he’s just some Eternal.

He’s actually maybe a little bit regretful that he has to kill them all to absorb the giant brain since the Eternals have actually been nice to him?

Maelstrom: “But power belongs to those who are willing to seize it!”

Interesting guy, Maelstrom.

He starts absorbing the Uni-Mind and totally spaces out doing that. But unfortunately, Wasp is in no position to capitalize on it because he put some leech manacles on her which are preventing her from shrinking. And Captain Marvel is completely out cold.

But Vision sneaks up intangible through the ground as he do like to do and intangibles his fingers into Maelstrom’s harness, shorting it out.

The energy discharge knocks Vision on his ass unconscious but Maelstrom just has to take a knee.

He yells up at an ominous figure standing up on a tower for not telling him that Vision was sneakign up on him. Maelstrom obviously thinks that this Deathurge is his minion but Deathurge has differing opinions.

Deathurge: For so long have I been with Maelstrom, yet still he does not understand! Still he thinks of me as his lackey! When will he learn... it is a darker power I truly serve!

Kinda wonder why he’s here. He doesn’t seem to be helping Maelstrom’s great brain heist and mostly just seems to... stand on a tower and look ominous.

But while Maelstrom was distracted yelling at a guy, the Uni-Mind breaks free of Maelstrom’s siphon and then explodes into a bunch of Eternals again.

Because it would be very improbable if that happened.

Your plan scheme just got Wanda’d, Maelstrom.

Huh. When I saw the cover, I wouldn’t have guessed that Wanda is the reason why its raining Eternals, hallelujah.

Goes to shows.

But since it was very improbable indeed that the Uni-Mind would explode into peoples, Wanda is wiped out.

Captain Marvel starts waking up and Wasp orders her to bust the chains, don’t even think about just go go go.

And Monica Marvel CHOOOMs the leech manacles.

It’s probably a testament to her power that she can bust right through the power dampening handcuffs but Maelstrom immediately hits her with some pink with kirby krackle which apparently is an energy field for sapping strength and down goes Captain Marvel again.

>=|

Wasp dodges the pink energy and gets out of the way so Vision can shoot his forehead laser at Maelstrom.

I sometimes forget he has that thing.

Vision: “Yes, Maelstrom, I have found your weakness! you are vulnerable to energy that is not purely kinetic! That is why you required the power siphon to absorb the psionic energy of the Uni-Mind!”

Maelstrom insists that he’ll still kick Vision’s ass except we’ll never know if he was talking out his ass or not.

Starfox wakes up from being a giant brain and decides to go punch the bad guy.

Except except except.

Punches is kinetic energy. Fool that he is, Starfox just recharged Maelstrom.

Starfox: “I am Eros, called the Starfox... son of Mentor! The blood of the Eternals flows in my veins... and I am an Avenger! Thus I have the greatest stake in seeing you fall!”

Maelstrom: “No doubt! But you’ll not accomplish it this way!”

And then suddenly giant Maelstrom just picks up Starfox and hurls him at Vision who is forced to super-dense catch Starfox instead of intangible out of the way and let the idiot hit a wall head first.

Hm. Guy absorbs kinetic energy and gets beefier? So he’s like a less stylish Sebastian Shaw?

That’s not a flattering comparison for you, Maelstrom.

Makarri, Thena, and Ikaris of the Eternals wake up and also try to jump on and pummel Maelstrom.

... God, its like they weren’t even paying attention.

Good thing they’re immortal because they have no survival instinct among them.

Maelstrom throws them off and then whips out the pink bio-kinetic energy again, using it to crowd control the Eternals.

Then he announces that yeah, sure, the brain thing was foiled. But he absorbed enough information while he was draining the Uni-Mind that he has an even cooler plan for even greater power now.

So his new plan is to just leave. And go do something else.

‘Walk away with no further conflict you say? Nuts to that!’ - Scarlet Witch, presumably.

In fairness. This isn’t really a no harm, no foul situation.

I wouldn’t give Maelstrom over to the Eternals to add to the Deviant cube but he’s just going to do more asshole things if he walks away.

Starfox wants to go over and start punching Maelstrom again because. I DUNNO! The man is supposed to be smarter than this!

Vision stops him and tells him that instead he’ll need to use his pleasure power on Vision’s mark.

Starfox is startled that Vision knows about his secret weirdo power but this isn’t the time for a conversation.

Instead its time for microwaves.

Vision signals Captain Marvel to do her thing and she flies at Maelstrom, turning into infrared and microwave radiation, toasting Maelstrom up.

Then Wasp pew pews with her pew pew, while staying ten feet away so he can’t absorb any kinetic energy. That’s apparently why her stings sucked when she tried shooting him before. She got too close.

Well, her stings are bio-electrical so him absorbing her bio-kinetic energy would probably weaken them? Probably?

Maelstrom actually panics a little because the Avengers aren’t being dumb. They’re pelting him with energy attacks from a distance, wearing him down and not giving him a chance to build up his energy stores again.

I’m proud of you, guys. I knew you could fight smart if you put your minds to it.

Then with Maelstrom weakened, Starfox tries to use his PLEASURE BEAMS and tells him that actually we’re all friends here, won’t you be our friend?

Starfox: “The others will tell you I’m not one to hold a grudge! Besides, you really don’t want to hurt anyone! You’ll be much happier giving yourself up!”

Maelstrom: “Giving... up? Y-yes, that does sound nice. I... No!! What are you doing to me?!?”

So since Maelstrom succeeds his will save against the persuasion check, or something, Scarlet Witch just casts a spell of ‘on your knees, asshole’ and makes Maelstrom fall to his knees.

Realizing that he might actually be defeated, in the city of his mother’s enemies no less!, Maelstrom calls out for Deathurge to attend him.

Deathurge: “At last, the call I have longed for!”

Hmmmm. Maybe Maelstrom should have been more specific.

I admit that its very possible that this is exactly what Maelstrom wanted Deathurge hanging around for. But having a guy standing by to kill you so you don’t have to tally an L sure is an interesting way of going about things.

Also, the narration says spear but Deathurge’s weapon is clearly a very anime scythe. A dude in Bleach had two of this exact weapon.

Captain Marvel, as the nyoomiest of the Avengers, flies at Deathurge as the “spear” returns to his hand. He tries to hit her with the “spear” but it goes right through her and then she goes right through him when she tries to tackle him.

Since they can both be intangible, Deathurge declares this a stalemate and drops down into the ground. Captain Marvel tries to follow as x-rays but loses the ominous weirdo.

So that was a thing that happened.

Maelstrom sure folded like nothing once people who knew how his powers work actually started fighting back.

And I can’t even ding him for explaining his powers because he didn’t. Vision just did his research.

Anyway, even though the Uni-Mind ritual was interrupted, the Eternals still learned what they should be doing. Since the Eternals have grown stagnant on Earth, THEY’RE GOING TO SPAAAAACE!

Most of them anyway.

Ikaris, Sersi, Thena, Valkin... Lets just say the main Eternals are going to stay on Earth.

The Eternals chosen to go out into space form a Uni-Mind again, grabs the Deviant cube, hurls it out of the solar system, and then takes off into space.

“So does the Uni-Mind, in all its wisdom, protect its native world from the Deviant menace.”

Eeeesh.

I thought squeezing them all into a cube was bad enough, now you’re sending them into space forever? You couldn’t find a planet where they can’t hurt anyone and just dunk them there?

Back down on Earth, the Avengers and Eternals watch a giant brain fly into space.

Wasp: “To think, this all started with Starfox and me crashing Sersi’s party! I certainly never expected to be in Greece at day’s end, watching the Eternals leave Earth!”

Really makes you think. That its a good thing that most Avengers’ day job is being an Avenger.

Captain Marvel asks Starfox if he’s sorry that he didn’t go with the giant brain and he says participating in one Uni-Mind thing was an incredible experience that he wouldn’t have missed but he’s a free spirit and there’s a bunch of stuff he still wants to do on Earth.

Which Sersi certainly agrees with.

The Avengers offer her a lift back home and she has perhaps the greatest of attitudes about everything that went down.

Sersi: “I hope my friends in the city have kept the party going! If they haven’t... well, we’ll just have to start one of our own!”

That’s the spirit!

But meanwhile, halfway around the world in a secret underground lair, Deathurge pops out of the floor.

Villains are villainous and all but you can’t beat the class of “secret underground lair.” Step up, heroes.

Deathurge struts over to some tubes and goes Everything Has Transpired According to Plan.

Because inside one of the tubes (or maybe all of the tubes??) is a fresh new Maelstrom body!

Deathurge: If all goes as you have planned, you shall soon awaken within this newly prepared body, ready to live again. And, as ever, I will stand by... ready to attend... Until all your lives have been lived!

Well!

No wonder Maelstrom has a dude standing by to pop him. He’s got extra lives!

Anyway, that was the unexpected Eternals three-parter nobody called for. But Avengers is the place to go to tie up loose ends from other books and concepts.

Avengers’ll accommodate you, they have room in their hearts and publishing schedule.

Follow @essential-avengers​ because there’s more Maelstrom coming! Wait, is that anything people want? There’s also Hercules! I know people like Hercules! He gives the best hugs! Also like and reblog if you like to reblog.

[flowerbeom]

Double Pepperoni | LJB

Part of The Pleasure Chest | A GOT7 Cringe Collaboration

Lim Jaebeom x Female!Reader Genre: College AU, Crackhead Comedy Smut Rating: Mature. So very mature. Warnings: Bad puns, Swearing & Explicit smut scenes. Word Count: 4k

Concept:  to: cassandra.l@unisk.edu.com hey cass, its me. your best friend. or what’s left of her. remember that kinda hot but kinda gross pizza delivery guy? the one with the nose ring and always smelt of cheetos? yeh, he’s looking less gross these days. what?! don’t judge me. desperate times call for desperate measures. it has been 154 days since i’ve had sex. shit’s dire here man.

A/N: If you lean into how bad this is purposefully meant to be, you’ll really enjoy it. 

All GIF credits for this series go to @defsenses.

Day 97 

📧 to: cassandra.l@unisk.edu.com hey cass!  yes my phone is still broken, and i have no idea when im going to get a new one cause im broke from visiting you in another goddamn country - so just suck it up and reply to my emails like the good best friend you are.  fuck i miss you already! why the hell did you have to be smart and shit and get into that international program and go to college in Seoul of all places!  do you know how far away that is?! 16 hours cassandra! 16 fucking hours on a plane with no leg room, subpar food and a middle aged balding man snoring next to you the entire time so you get no sleep on a 16 hour flight AWAY FROM YOUR BEST FRIEND.  it was really good to see you though, can you thank mrs kim again for me - you really struck gold with that housing sitch you got - especially your roommate! that fine ass college freshman you DID NOT allow me to fuck!  yeh yeh whatever, i get it - how the hell are you meant to look mrs kim in the eye again when your childhood best friend who you talked up to be an angel fucked her only son on the fold out couch. yes i get it, stop rolling your eyes at me.  either way, its still the dry season down here. miss you, love you. bye. 

It’s funny how jet lag after coming home from a holiday feels almost identical to a hangover; it’s a painful reminder that something that was quite enjoyable is over. The headache feels almost the same, along with the cotton mouth, hunger, dehydration and utter disappointment and resentful emptiness that the fun you were having is completely done - but only one makes you hurl your guts out at the smell of orange juice. Condolences to those who are unlucky enough to hurl in both instances. 

Either way, that’s where you found yourself - Thursday night, half unpacked suitcase lay in the middle of your living room, eyes bloodshot and staring blankly at the television; an all consuming headache pounding between your temples. Lucky for you, you knew a sure fire way to get rid of it without painkillers. Insert Mr. Pene Falso. No literally, insert it. You didn’t call your vibrator Fake Penis in Spanish not to insert it. And in case anyone hasn’t caught on yet, an orgasm legitimately helps get rid of a headache. Try it next time. 

As ever, positioning is important - preparation is key. Sweatpants pushed down to your ankles, one leg completely fished out. Sideways lean, cushion under one elbow, completely bare leg propped up onto the couch; allow for maximum spread when those pre-orgasm hip rolls start. Set Mr. Pene Falso on one, there is no need to go hard straight away - ease into the session, let the endorphins build. You have been deprived of a real penis for a while, so you know you’re eager; but a little self control will yield the most delicious of results. 

You will run the long race to Destination Stimulation and you will bite that bottom lip as your eyes roll back into their sockets as your long awaited, slow built, easy increase of settings on Mr. Pene Falso brings home the most delectable of orgams. It will not be a dry night, no sir. So lower that beautiful vibrating, bright pink silicone wand onto your clit-- 

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK 

Who the fuck..? Your eyes snapped to the front door, your hand clenched around your vibrator just millimetres away from your clit. A small loosening of your grip dropped the angle and the tip of your vibrator dipped against your clit, sending shockwaves through your body. A gravely moan escaped you; your focus immediately brought back to the task at hand. Literally. 

Ignore it, it’s probably no one important. That’s what you told yourself, shaking your head and leaning back against the couch once again. You licked your bottom lip at the enticing notion of self-induced euphoria. Spreading your legs further than before, you corrected your grip and pushed Mr. Pene Falso into you. Your head dropped back involuntarily, your teeth marked your bottom lip and those pre-orgasm hip rolls started slowly. It felt devine, finally some release; a little bit of pleasu--

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK 

“Who the fuck?!” 

“Pal’s Pizza!” 

Tossing Mr. Pene Falso aside, you yanked on your sweatpants, wiped the one bead of sweat off your brow and stampeded to your door. 

“You got the wrong house, buddy!” Ripping it open, your rage was greeted with a face you had not seen in a long time. Your eyes blew wide, as the eyes of the man before you narrowed; complimenting the smirk etching across his face. The ever familiar smell of cheetos, weed and pepperoni of years passed filled your nostrils and nostalgia wasn’t a word you wanted to use in that instance, but repressed memories were being dug up nevertheless. 

A few moments of stone-cold silence passed before a subtle hum started to invade your auditory peripherals. Leaving your eye-line, Mr. Pal’s Pizza leaned sideways, throwing his smirk into the apartment behind you and directly onto the bright pink silicone wand still vibrating on your couch. All colour drained from your obviously stiffened face. 

He scoffed. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt your alone time. Mind if I join you instead?” 

Day 106

📧 to: cassandra.l@unisk.edu.com hey cass did you know that there’s a woman in Georgia, who due to a rare disorder, experiences hundreds of orgasms a day? she’s just persistently aroused and will climax any time, anywhere - even in the most obscure of places. whereas I cannot even have one, in my own goddamn apartment.  because you will never guess who delivered a pizza to the wrong house last week. Crusty Jae. Yyu heard me. Fucking Lim Jaebeom from high school! Who by the way, still looks like a tryhard 2006 Skaterboi with his stupidly baggy jeans, Stussy t-shirt and bad haircut - or lack thereof who fucking knows.  AND he still smells like damp. No no, he doesn’t smell damp. He smells like damp. Like the idea of damp. but istg i could still cut myself on that jawline of his. and come to think of it, I haven’t had pizza in ages.  miss you. love you, bye. 

Day 114 

“Seriously dude, you need to stop ‘delivering pizza to the wrong house’. It’s getting pathetic.” You feigned irritation despite taking the box out of Jaebeom’s outstretched hand.

“Bruh, I am not. The guy’s next door never answered. So you--” He shook back his overgrown fringe and shifted all his weight back, angling his pelvis towards you. His eyes traipsed up and down your frame, saliva clearly pooling under his tongue. “-- get a free pizza delivered by this handsome mug.” 

You didn’t even try to bury the scoff that escaped you as Jaebeom dug two thumbs into his chest; a pungent smugness wafting from his stained Pal’s Pizza t-shirt. You practically laughed in his face. Yet he didn’t waver. 

“You’re still the same overconfident creep from highschool, Jae.” Jaebeom faked offense, a hand slapped on his heart - leaving a faint damp hand print. 

“And I still managed to nab all the ladies.” Sliding his tongue over his top teeth, he winked and you almost gagged. The fact that Crusty Jae, the school’s resident stoner, managed to have the highest body count by graduation is something that still baffled you. Something must have been seriously wrong with the girls who let that inside them. There were rumours of course, but you weren’t willing to explore any of them to prove if fact or not. 

Lifting the lid, you inhaled a glorious whiff of mozzarella and pepperoni but caught Jaebeom scratching his head from the corner of your eye; little flecks of dead skin floated to the ground and you couldn’t help but focus on the flakes of what looked like parmesan on the top of your pizza. Horror ensued, visible in the quiver in your voice. 

“You.. you don’t make the pizzas do you?” 

Jaebeom smirked, and ran a clammy hand through his greasy hair. 

“Nuh babe, I just deliver them.” He punctuated his statement with a wink and pucker of his lips. You were not comforted and turned away before he could see the grimace on your face. You dropped the pizza box onto your couch and fished a twenty-dollar-bill from your wallet and returned to the door to slap it into Jaebeom’s hand. 

“Nuh baby, it’s free.” He insisted with a stupid slanted grin. You shook your head, pushing the money harder into his hand and away from your door. 

“Keep the change.”

“Damn, thanks for the tip.” He smiled softly. Maybe he isn’t so much of a creep anymore. 

“Want a taste of mine?” 

You couldn’t have slammed the door in his face any harder.  

Day 129 

European. What about Lebanese? Kirby? No, too short. Continental? Way too long. But then again Kirby cucumbers have girth, and it’s not all about length. It’s how you use it. Would you go raw? Or would you wrap it? How sturdy are Kirby cucumbers? You’d obviously have to wash it first. Oh shit, could they poison you if it smooshes up while inside you? No, well you eat them so they can’t be too dangerous. How much lubrication would you need? 

“Little to none if you’re warmed up enough.” 

Cutting off your mental ramblings and ripping you back into reality, your head snapped towards the voice. Jaebeom’s voice. Of course it had to be Jaebeom. Why is he suddenly everywhere? 

“Excuse me, what?!” 

“Lubrication. You wouldn’t need any if you’re warmed up. Cucumbers just slide right in.” He said with total confidence as if speaking from absolute experience. If anything, the pompous smile was enough to tell you what he was saying was true. You tried to swallow and gasp at the same time, causing you to start choking in the grocery store. 

“Wh-wait-what, I was saying all of that out loud?!” You prayed it didn’t say all of it out loud. 

Are you really that delirious from lack of sex that your pathetically curious and completely comedic wonderings about cucumbers as dildos was said out loud in the grocery store?! Have you become that incapable of controlling yourself that you can’t even keep being a horny bitch on the inside?! Must you zone out in full stereo?! 

Jaebeom giggled. 

“Maybe. I heard from about ‘What about Lebanese?’.”

You froze, the hand gripping your shopping basket growing dangerously limp.

“So pretty much all of it.” Jaebeom laughed again and reached across you to pick up the thickest Kirby cucumber from the pile and dropped it into your basket. 

“Think of me.”

“What!?” 

His smirk thawed you completely, leaving you standing in a lukewarm puddle of distaste. “Later babe.” 

Seriously, you needed to find every girl who fucked him in highschool and just ask them “WHY?!” 

Day 147

📧 to: cassandra.l@unisk.edu.com hey cass he ran out of battery I have no spares I live in a wasteland of despair miss you love you bye

Day 165

ring-ring-ring

“Pal’s Pizza, can I take your order?” 

“Hey Jae, it’s me. The usual please.” 

“Stuffed Crust?” 

“No thanks.” 

“No probs. How about I stuff you?”

“Bye.” 

“See you in twenty minutes!” 

Day 167 

📧 to: cassandra.l@unisk.edu.com hey cass I think I’m living in a permanent fever dream today in my tech drawing class my professor told me if I lick the tip I’ll get better results so I asked him, if i let him lick my tip would I get extra credit? HE MEANT MY PENCIL CASSANDRA, HE MEANT TO LICK THE TIP OF MY PENCIL SO I GET THICKER LINES what the fuck is wrong with me?!  oh I know.  it has been 167 days since I’ve had sex ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY SEVEN DAYS and Mr Pene Falso still does not have new batteries.  miss you love you bye

Day 175

You had never felt more accomplished in your life. In one hand rested your brand new phone, shiny and in-built with all the things to keep your easily distracted brain entertained. No longer did you have to make calls from the decrepit pay phone outside your apartment building. No longer did you have to sit on buses and pretend to like reading. No, you were reunited with the technology of your generation and you were ecstatic. Full time college and part time employment didn’t always meet the needs of your demanding lifestyle, but you saved enough to finally get a brand new phone.

And in the other hand lay two beautiful AA batteries. You know perfectly well what they were for. You were equally as ecstatic. But for some reason there was one person you wanted to talk to about it. 

Your fingers dialed the number almost on their own; muscle memory taking over. It rang six times. 

“Hello?”

“CASS!” So excited to hear your best friend’s voice you tripped on the corner of your rug; your body colliding with the couch. 

“Holy shit, you finally got a phone. Took you long enough.” 

“Shut up, I’ve been busy.” Rubbing the part of your shoulder that managed to miss abundant cushioning on the couch and hit the tiny piece of wooden framework beneath it all. 

“Sure. Busy trying to get yourself off every chance you get.” 

The fingers trying to unscrew the bottom of your vibrator halted; your bottom lip folded between your teeth - a pout formed in your silence. 

“I--” Lost for words you resumed unscrewing the cap, placing one battery into each slot. 

“You’re probably gonna go masturbate after you get off this call.” 

The last battery dropped in with a clang, albeit muffled by Cass’s muffled laughter. 

“You know I’m messing with you right?”

“..Yes.” 

“Good. So how’s Crusty Jae?” She continued to laugh as you groaned.

“Dude, can you please explain how he managed to pull so much in high school?! Please! Am I the only one who doesn’t get it?!” Suddenly incredibly frustrated, you screwed on the vibrator cap with so much gusto that your grip accidentally turned it on; the abrupt buzzing ripping out a quiet yelp. 

“You know his nickname used to be Double Pepperoni.” You scoffed so hard, you felt it in your ribs. “Nuh apparently he was packing.”

“What? Like what, like he always had slices stuffed in his pockets?”

“No, like p-a-c-k-i-n-g.” 

“I highly doubt that flat-ass McGee is huge.” You smirked while Cass tried to stop herself from choking on laughter. “And even if he was, dude, I still don’t understand how that seemingly unhygienic mess can score so much.” 

“Bro, I don’t know either. But from all the girls I’ve ever talked to about him, they all say that whatever he did to seduce them or whatever - their reactions were purely carnal.” You made a pathetic noise, like a dying car horn to highlight your skepticism. “Like apparently, he would do something or they would see him do something and they’d just snap. Fuck him once, have a great time but then refuse to ever bring it up again. Except to me.. Cause after all, it was Crusty Jae.. But that’s beside the point.”

“They’d just ‘snap’?” 

“Yup. Like a fresh green bean.”

“Weird metaphor.” 

“But you got it.”

“Sadly. I’m going to go now.” 

“Happy Orgasm!” 

“Fuck you.” 

“Miss you.”

“Love you.”

“Bye!” 

From putting down one electronic device to picking up the other, you settled into the couch cushions with Mr Pene Falso in hand - recharged and ready to go. Yes, you were obviously going to prove your best friend painfully correct by getting off as soon as you hung up that call, but honestly - fuck it. You deserved it. 

Remember, preparation is key. Sweatpants pushed down your ankles, one leg completely bare. Hair pulled up into an overeager and messy as ever bun. Sideways lean. Mr Pene Falso, setting one. 

It’s not meant to be pretty, the faces you pull while masturbating. And the sounds one makes, equally as carnal. But who the fuck cares. You’re doing this for you. And as those pre-orgasm hip rolls get more and more intense as your clit is vibrated right down to Destination Stimulation, you moan in pleasure for you know you are finally getting what you’ve wanted for so lon-- 

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK 

“Hey it’s me!” Your head snapped so fast to the door it cracked every bone in your neck. 

“Jae!?” 

“Yeh, can I come in please?”

“Oh come on, what the fuck!?” Fury swallowed you whole, Mr Pene Falso slamming into the ground in a fit of rage. “What do you fucking want, Jaebeom?!” 

“Please, I need--” Jerking your pants back on, you charged at the door; ripping it open. 

“Need what?!”

“-- to use your bathroom.” Sheepish eyes met your own; blown wide and shaking. Jaebeom stood before you, pizza delivery bag hung loosely in his hand; completely soaked from head to toe. 

“Sorry, it’s fucking pouring outside and I delivered next door and I just want to dry off a little, that cool?” 

His usually loose shirt clung to his body, every inch of his torso outlined. His hair, normally shaggy and overgrown, was completely pushed back off his face; slick and saturated to show every carved line of his face. Was his eyes always this piercing? Or was it only because it was in context with the rest of his beautiful face? 

“So..?” Jaebeom reeled you back from your slow descent and you shook it off violently. 

“Uhh yeh, that-that way.” Throwing a thumb over your shoulder to show him the way, Jaebeom slinked past you; a marginal waft of damp weed followed behind. 

What has gotten into you? This is Crusty Jae we’re talking about here. You are not meant to find him attractive. Nothing about him is meant to be attractive. But there you were - standing in your hallway, dumbfounded as you watched Jaebeom take off his shirt and wring it into your sink. You tried to tear your eyes away from how broad his shoulders were, or how all the muscles around his waist tensed as he squeezed all the water out of his shirt. You couldn’t even fight off the shiver that crawled down your spine when you watched his triceps flex when he pushed his hair off his face. You swallowed hard when that shiver landed right between your legs. 

“Like apparently, he would do something or they would see him do something and they’d just snap.” 

He didn’t see you come up behind him but he felt the hand you placed in the middle of his back. Turning to face you, his eyes were as dark as yours were crazed.  

“Sup.” His cheeto breath didn’t deter you.  

“You’re a pal, right?” You swore you couldn’t sound any more desperate. 

“Says so on my shirt.” You couldn’t quite figure out if it was Chipotle or Flamin’ Hot cheetos. But it wasn’t the time or the place. You had needs. 

“Be a pal then.” Jaebeom quirked a lewd and curious brow. “Get me off.” 

The speed of which he had his hands under your arms and lifting you onto the benchtop was frighteningly fast. Your shirt was pulled hastily over your head and thrown aside, your pants were torn down your legs equally as fast. You had no time to question, no time to doubt - not when Jaebeom’s mouth was on yours, his tongue rolling over your teeth as if searching for hidden cheetos in your cheeks. But with the way his thumb circled over your clit through your underwear, you weren’t going to complain. Go on, fish for those cheetos baby. 

Through wet and messy kisses, your hands tracked down his chest; stopping at his belt buckle. Of course, you thought, it was one of those snap closure canvas belts - ridiculously too long and matched his ridiculously baggy jeans. Nevertheless, you snapped open the buckle, fished it out of the loops and his pants fell instantly to the ground. 

Jaebeom broke away from your mouth, leaning back to make room for his hands to pull off your underwear; just to have his lips crash back into yours the moment the lace garment hit the floor. 

“Conmg-do. Cone--. Con-” You mumbled against his mouth. Strong hands pushed against his chest; disappointed eyes flashed for a moment, before turning devious at the sight of your naked breasts. 

“Condom.” He nodded and you swung around to grab one from the medicine cabinet. Rounding back to face him, you saw his underwear was on the ground, his very erect penis greeting you fully. Double Pepperoni…  

He ripped the wrapper open with his teeth, slid the condom expertly onto his length and caged you against the mirror in one fluid movement. He waited, paused for effect if you will and you weren’t having any of it. One hand scratched into his hair, the other pulled on the chain around his neck.

“Oh, you want me to stuff you do you?” Said with total hubris. 

“Like cheesy crust.” Who have you become?! 

Jabeom’s heavy hands found themselves on your hips, pulling you down onto his dick. He filled you wholly, deliciously; throbbing against your walls so achingly good that you didn’t even care that you could feel crumbs of garlic bread that did not belong to you in your mouth. 

He pounded you roughly; each thrust making you bounce on your porcelain sink. His hair, still wet, dripped onto your shoulder and down your back as his teeth marked your neck. Your bathroom began to fill with lewd and erotic noises, squelches and squeaks of wet flesh against wet flesh and some against hard surfaces. 

Jaebeom snapped his hips harder and harder into you, moans tumbled from your mouth as the orgasm you have craved for finally rounded the horizon. He was merciless, relentless, completely determined to drive you home. 

You yanked harder on the fist full of hair in your hand, ripping a loud and gravely groan from Jaebeom. Not one to be upstaged, Jaebeom shoved his hand into your hair, tangling his fingers into your bun and pulling down to expose more of your neck to him. His pace had not slowed down at all. 

He marked your neck, sucking and biting on your flesh so gloriously that you began to mewl - high pitched and needy, and it’s what sent Jaebeom over the edge. His hips snapped harder, forcing his dick deep into you; hitting spots you had forgotten about completely. 

Different colours were flashing behind your eyelids and you were close, so close. 

And as Jaebeom neared climax, he tore his hand out of your hair. Though in his earlier fervour, got so much of it tangled around his fingers and stuck under his ring, that your whole body was torn sideways and off the bench. 

Landing on the floor, shocked eyes watched Jaebeom ejaculate all over your sink as your own orgasm retreated away; shrivelling up into dust and blown away in the wind - his hand still stuck in your hair. How the fuck, wasn’t he wearing a condom, you thought, only for you to reach down and find it stuck inside your vagina, half hanging out. There was literally nowhere lower you could go. This, this is rock bottom. 

“Haha, holy fuck. Sorry babe.” Jaebeom leaned down and carefully untangled his fingers out of your hair. Towels were passed around for hygiene purposes and you almost vomited when you saw cheeto crumbs wedged between Jaebeom’s butt-cheeks. 

You weren’t really sure what happened after. You think Jaebeom said something crass. Or maybe he said thank you. In a crass way. Either way, he eventually left and the two hour shower you took still didn’t make you feel clean. Especially not after finding a half-dried pearl of cum on your toothbrush. 

But there was one thing you knew for sure. You totally snapped. 

Day 0

📧 to: cassandra.l@unisk.edu.com hey cass in the interest of our friendship and for the purposes of full transparency it has been 1 day since ive had sex and we will never speak of it again

[fluttershys-lament]

Totally Correct kirby fact #1: dedede’s theme gets better with every remix

[babysundoll]

This is a pretty long post about questions and theories I have about Customer Service from Kirby, so I'm just giving you a warning about how long its gonna be.

So I've been rewatching the kirby anime solely for the purpose of seeing Customer Service because I love him and he makes my heart warm even though he's an evil bitch. But there's some things about him that make me question what his position at Holy Nightmare/Nightmare Enterprises actually is besides just being a simple salesman.

For being a salesman, he has a pretty high status at Nightmares base considering he works in the command center, and the fact that Nightmare is almost always lurking behind him and they discuss their evil plans together.

And we also see in the movie he has the power to send out the Destroya ships and tell the base to be ready for an attack because an enemy is coming. That's a pretty high rank if I say so myself. And there's also instances where, in the episode with the Power up D or Pump up D drink (whichever it is), his face is on the vending machine that's selling the drinks in the village.

That's made me think that being a salesman isn't his only job at the base. I feel, in a way, that he could be the "public face" the customers and buyers of Nightmare's company see's when they look into buying something from the company instead of seeing Nightmare's face, for reasons I don't know other than Nightmare not wanting to make a fool of himself by being on a tv screen and telling people to buy his stuff.

And both Nightmare and Customer Service look very similar in appearance. If Nightmare made him, which I assume he did because of how similar they look, maybe that's Nightmare's way of showing to his customers that even though they are seeing a salesman on a tv or poster, you're being reminded of who you're buying from because of the resemblance. But you're seeing a prettier, more welcoming face while doing it.

And it's also kind of weird to me how whenever King Dedede brings his screen out to talk to CS, he's ALWAYS there ready to talk. As if there isn't any other buyer looking forward to purchase something that he talks to, or if he has abosolutley nothing else to do. Maybe CS is designated to be Dedede's salesman? Maybe Nightmare knows that Kirby will make his way to Popstar and wants to keep a close eye on him, telling CS to manipulate Dedede into buying the demon beasts to fight Kirby hoping he will get killed so he doesn't have to worry about it (we all know that didn't work).

And this is probably one of the more questionable things about CS, but why hasn't he gotten fired yet? If theres the chance that Nightmare didn't designate CS for Dedede and it's totally random, there were plenty of moments in the show that would make you think he should've gotten fired over. For example, Knuckle Joe was able to trick CS into sending out their strongest demon beast Masher, by making him think that he wanted to join Nightmare's side, only to pull out an uno reverse card and kill Masher with Kirby. And then in the episode when everyone is sick in the japanese version, CS says that if he doesn't start selling their products more then he'll be fired and the company will go bankrupt, which sounds impossible considering they took over like 90% of the universe. They should have all the resources they need.

And don't get me started on how poor of a job CS does getting money from Dedede after he buys something. Even if he tells the king he can't purchase anything because of his overdue bills, he STILL for some reason is sending Dedede stuff. Like, huh? It doesn't make sense. He surely should've gotten fired for giving away Nightmare's products and not getting any money from it. And then he's worried about going bankrupt? Um, if I'm correct, it should be CS's fault they're going bankrupt because he's not getting any money from Dedede, but STILL SENDING HIM STUFF.

Maybe Nightmare likes him too much to let him go. If CS made a mistake and apologizes for it, or says he'll willfully clear out his desk and leave, Nightmare says don't worry about it and tells him to stay, that it's not a big deal. Nightmare probably has to much pride in the little devil he made and wants to keep him even if he messes up.

Nightmare probably sees him as a prize for scamming people and tricking them. And the fact Nightmare is always with him, even though his base is the size of a PLANET, which probably has so many other sales people in it, tells me that Nightmare likes him a lot more than the usual demon beast.

Ugh, my brain hurts from all this thinking. I get too attached to Kirby characters WAY to often and I question their entire existence whilst making up fake scenarios in my head about them.

Anyways, that's what I have to say about CS. He's to perfect to not talk about.

Also I wanna thank @operationhoshinokaabii for putting subtitles on those last 20 or 30 episodes of the japanese version on daily motion because I never knew what they were saying because no one had put subtitles on those before. Thank you!

[totally-correct-kirby-facts]

[cottoncandyrhythmqueen]

Thank you @totally-correct-kirby-facts for doing my BG request-

Sorry they couldn’t post properly, but thanks for DMing them too me :DDDD

Also screw the Tumblr App for screwing up the Quality of these magnificent backgrounds.

[matcha-kitt3n]

pass the happy! 🌻🌈 when you receive this list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications!

Oh! Thanks!

People sending me asks.

Drawings (any kind)

My friends (I love them so much)

Food (I mean, who doesn't?)

Being inspired.

And the last 10 people are:

@anneichannn

@paws-productions

@dannazv33

@totally-correct-kirby-facts

@dulce--chocolate

@denissuwu

@ask-lizzie (because of the ask)

@hangry-doodlebug

@melanie30z

@kiomy-linos

<3

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #246: GATHERINGS

August, 1984

Family feud! Guest-starring SERSI of the Eternals!

She comes!

A portent of times to come! I hear a faint rumbling of leather jackets from distant years...

Also, hey! She-Hulk! I missed you!

The Avengers have been through the Secret Wars and participated in the Wraith War! What’s next for our band of heroes?

Maybe parties? The cover makes it look like a party is going on before some Kirby-looking guys crashed.

But also? Vision’s vague scheming to raise the Avengers’ profile continues as he and Scarlet Witch take a trip to visit President Reagan and First Lady Reagan at the White House.

Weird thing is that we don’t get an unobscructed view of Reagan’s face. He’s either back to the ‘camera’ or cropped on the panel border. Weird, since this wasn’t a problem last time he appeared in this book. Y’know, the time some plant people tried to hold him for ransom? That time?

President Didn’t-Pay-for-the-Likeness-Rights thanks Vision for taking time to personally brief him on all the biz the Avengers have been up to.

President Reagan: “I wish we could talk like this more often! The National Security Council keeps me posted on your missions, but there’s nothing like getting the news firsthand.”

Vision: “I quite agree, Mr. President. In fact, I have a few suggestions for making the lines of communication between Avengers Mansion and the White House more... shall we say... direct?”

He suggests they speak in private which Reagan gladly agrees to, shooing Scarlet Witch and Mrs. Reagan out. To Scarlet Witch’s surprise because he sprang the trip on Washington on her and now he’s sprung this on her.

Also, every time Vision meets someone in private and the conversation takes place off-panel, they suddenly come around to his point of view so.... uh...

Well, I’m sure it’s fine.

Meanwhile, we get back to Captain Monica Marvel Rambeau’s subplot. Remember how she worried after getting back from Secret Wars that she had no explanation to give her family for being missing for several days? And was thinking of telling them about her secret superhero thing?

Well, she calls home to New Orleans and her presumably firefighter dad answers. I presume he’s a firefighter because there’s a firefighter hat and coat hanging up prominently in the background. We call that environmental storytelling.

Monica’s mom isn’t home so Monica asks for her parents to call her back when they’re both available.

Monica: “In a way, I’m glad momma wasn’t home. That gives me more time to figure out how I’m going to tell them that their ‘little girl’ is leading a double life... as an Avenger called Captain Marvel!”

... Geez, her costume looks so weird when there’s nobody in it.

Monica ponders just bringing it up casually by RECAPPING HER ENTIRE BACKSTORY! Which, in fairness, would be an appropriate way to handle it. But she decides that just going ‘yeah I was helping old family friend Professor LeClare investigate a secret lab on an oil platform, punched a machine, got powers, and then joined the Avengers’ would sound crazy and that there must be a better way to tell them.

I say, take it slow and ramp up. Start from ‘I have superpowers’, do a little pew pew flashlight beam and let their questions guide your explanation.

Meanwhile again but elsewhere, Wasp van Dyne is just chilling at Avengers Mansion, bumming herself out rereading the World According to Garp, and receiving a phone call from West Avengers Chairman Hawkeye.

He tells her that he found a great HQ for the new West Coast Avengers, some old silent film star’s home, and he’s overseeing renovations now.

This ongoing Hawkeye real estate subplot is to get you excited for the upcoming West Coast Avengers series. Are you?

I dread it.

Anyway, Starfox comes in after the phone call and recognizes that Janet is in a Mood. A very bored mood. A post-chairperson funk.

Wasp: “It’s just that Wanda and the Vision are in Washington... Hawkeye and his new wife are setting up a new team in California... Cap and Thor are away on missions of their own... Everybody’s doing something! Everybody but me! It’s funny, after all we’ve been through lately, especially with that horrible Magneto, you’d think I’d appreciate a little leisure time. But instead, I’m bored out of my mind!”

Magneto kissing her really teed her off if that’s what she’s focusing on from the whole Secret Wars thing and not having died.

Starfox has just the answer for Wasp’s post-Magneto-kissing blues though.

PARTY.

He was on his way to a great party and Wasp can be his plus one!

Meanwhile, on the Washington to New York plane, Vision and Scarlet Witch.

She’s confused why they didn’t just take the Quinjets that they have instead of flying on a commercial airline but Vision says that getting out among the people is just good public relations.

I mean, he’s not wrong. But also flying in public, in your costumes, seems like it runs the risk of aggroing a supervillain attack.

It doesn’t happen but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it did.

The flight attendant asks Vision if he drinks before course correcting into asking him if he wants a drink.

I don’t know what’s more amazing here. Wanda going ‘he never has coffee at home’ like that coffee ad that Airplane spoofed.

Or Vision patting himself on the back for connecting to the common man with his drink order.

Simply superb.

Back at the casa Rambeau, Maria Rambeau returns and then returns Monica’s call. Monica says she’s going to come over for dinner and then a panel later, she’s knocking on the door.

Her parents are confused because it’s a twenty-minute drive between Monica’s house and theirs but that’s just part of what Monica wants to explain to them.

I see Monica decided to just jump into her explanation.

Back in New York, Janet frets over whether she’s dressed right for the party but Starfox just dismisses that as one of Earth’s weird mores. Why, he only wears the one outfit and that’s just gonna have to be good enough.

They arrive at the party and it seems to be a hobnobbin’ sort of event, with people discussing court settlements and acting. Also, She-Hulk is there. Hi, She-Hulk!

Glad Stern found another excuse to include you after Byrne stole you away to the land of the Fantastic.

She-Hulk says she met the host at an exotic bakery shop just last week and that’s how she scored the invite.

I wonder what made these baked goods so exotic. And I’m wondering if it wasn’t actually erotic. Do I think that She-Hulk would purchase a butt cake? Yes, yes I do.

She asks Starfox how he knows the host and, well, he doesn’t. He heard about the party and decided to invite himself (and Wasp) along. I.e. crash.

But the host...

ITS SHE!

SERSI!

SHE COMES!

But the host, Sylvia Sersi, isn’t too bothered by the pair of party-crashing Avengers and has She-Hulk introduce them.

Starfox is enchanted to meet Sersi and she likewise but they’d best not be too enchanted to meet each other because I’m pretty sure they’re not too distant relations.

Mentor founded the Titan colony of the Eternals and the Eternals have all been around a while so there’s not that many branches between Starfox and Sersi, I don’t think.

Anyyyyyway.

A drunk man pauses before a mirror to tidy up his tie and gets a startle when a Watcher-looking guy that isn’t the Watcher because he has hair appears in the mirror instead of his own face.

When Sersi comes over to investigate she tells him he must have imagined it and sends the guy away for some air but then interrogates the mirror face man and calls him Domo.

Domo, in the mirror: “We need you here in Olympia! Everyone is needed for the final decision!”

Sersi: “I told you before, I don’t care! Go ahead and make your big decision! It won’t affect me, because I intend to go right on doing as I please!”

Then she turns the mirror into a picture of penguins??

Her powers are great indeed.

Although her investment in the community is less so.

Whatever this mysterious decision everyone is voting on, it is clearly less important than this rockin’ party. This party has a She-Hulk!

Back over at the Rambeaus, Monica decides to just rip off the band-aid and tell her parents that she’s Captain Marvel. They find it hard to believe so she just pulls out her costume and lightspeeds into it.

Harder to hold doubts when your daughter glows with an awesome power.

Frank Rambeau: “It’s true... my little girl’s an Avenger. Hey, that means... you’ve met Captain America!”

Frank jumping right to the important points.

Thankfully, Monica’s parents are very supportive. And actually like the Avengers. You have cool parents, Monica.

Frank Rambeau: “Monica, I don’t know what to say! The Avengers are heroes... like Cap and the Black Panther and Thor... They’re like a legend! To think that you’re one of them -- !”

Maria Rambeau: “We’re very, very proud of you, dear... Prouder than we ever thought possible!”

Very cool parents.

Meanwhile, back at the party, mirror spooked guy (apparently Harry) goes out for air like Sersi suggested and then sees something else which spooks him even harder!

He runs from the party babbling about seeing things or not seeing things and not sticking around to sort out which.

Then a bunch of goons crash the party by flying through the terrace doors.

Look at these total goons.

Starfox steps forward and tries to defuse the situation both by words

Starfox: “Easy, my friends! I’m sure you don’t want to hurt anyone!”

And by shooting pleasure beams from his mind.

Predictably, his pleasure beam, besides being creepy, can’t be allowed to be too effective.

If it actually worked we wouldn’t have conflict and plot.

So like the Hulk in Incredible Hulk #300, these dudes called Delphans just slap Starfox out of the way.

Then superhero number two steps up.

One of the Delphans say that they need to get “that witch” before she can cause them any grief and She-Hulk was in proximity and assumes they meant her and takes exception to that.

She-Hulk: “‘Witch’, huh? You wouldn’t mean me, would you? That’s a bad choice of words, but you’re right about one thing... I can give plenty of grief!”

The Delphan just immediately hits her with an energy pole which just pisses off She-Hulk and ruins her party dress. Thankfully she had the unstable molecules FF costume on underneath.

She dresses in layers.

Delphan: “You’re still standing? But that photon-burst would have stunned the mighty Karkas!”

She-Hulk: “You stupid jerk! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find nice things in my size?!”

She-Hulk and Starfox start beating on the Delphans but its Sersi’s party and she can shoot eye beams if she wants to, eye beams if she wants to.

Sersi: “I should have known Domo would send you Delphans after me! Well, it won’t work! You’re not taking me away without a fight!”

Not just eyebeams but apparently a piggifying beam!

A singing piggifying beam!

Oh, sure, the Delphan says that its a transmutive ability but I know whats what.

Her name is Sersi, which is like Cerci, and she can shoot pig beams at people, especially Greek soldiers.

Unfortunately, like other witches before her, she needs some wrist range of movement to do her business and grabbing her by the arms will just nullify her.

Sigh.

If only he didn’t have armored outpanties, she could kick him in the business.

But fortunately, Wasp “can blow up a small house” van Dyne won’t be stopped by armored outerwear and shoots the Delphan grabbing Sersi right in the butt.

That is, Wasp shoots him in the butt, not that he’s grabbing Sersi in the butt.

Meanwhile, over in the Vision and Scarlet Witch subplot, their plane lands at LaGuardia and they’re instantly accosted by journalists who wants Vision’s take on rumors that the president is going to make chairmanship of the Avengers a cabinet-level post.

Vision coyly tells them that he and the president discussed many things but he’s not at liberty to confirm anything.

Hmm.

Then Vision excuses himself, saying that he and Wanda have to get back to Avengers Mansion.

Scarlet Witch: “We certainly do!” And when we get there, we are going to have a little talk!

Seems Wanda is annoyed at all this being left out of the loop.

Back at the A-plot, where A stands for Avengers go to a party and then get into a fight, Sersi gets fed up with these shenanigans and threatens to turn the Delphans into worms but she gets grabbed by the wrists again, this time by power-dampening chonky handcuffs, and dragged away by the Delphans to their spaceship that was hovering right outside the party.

Starfox and Wasp fly out in pursuit, with non-flying She-Hulk complaining about being left behind.

Wasp: “After them, Starfox! We mustn’t let them get away!”

Starfox: “I quite agree! Hostesses such as Ms. Sersi are all too rare!”

Wasp: “No kidding! Once we rescue her, I want to find out how she does that trick with her eyes!”

... Really.

The eyes specifically? Not the singing pig beam?

Huh. To each their own.

The ship takes off shortly after Wasp and Starfox stow aboard and the two heroes resume beating Delphan ass to try to save Sersi.

Lead Delphan: “We have the advantage in number, but they’re still making us look like idiots! We can’t let them beat us now! Have to initiate transport... while there’s still a chance!”

The ship then disappears with a FWOF!

And reappears above the mountains of Northern Greece.

Apparently, Eternal transportation is like the kind in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy because Starfox and Wasp are discombobulated and nauseated by the transport.

The Lead Delphan seizes the opportunity while the bull is hot and pulls the lever to make the ship just completely disassemble.

The Delphans take advantage of the heroes startlement to beat the shit out of Starfox in midair.

Clever. But rude.

Sometime later, Starfox comes to in Olympia to discover that he and Wasp are completely surrounded and in the shit.

Domo: “Citizens of Olympia!! At last, we all stand together... reunited with our Polar and Pacific cousins! Our destiny beckons! But before the ritual may begin, we must first deal with these two... who have intruded into the affairs of the Eternals!”

Hey, dick! They don’t come to a party you’re crashing and slap the host!

But I guess we’re going to meet all the Eternals next time.

What a fun coincidence that I’m hitting this point of the story when the Eternals movie is just a few months away.

Follow @essential-avengers​ because one day I’ll read comics about Sersi wearing a leather jacket. Like and reblog for the same reason or for different reasons.